So today those thoughts of the future are creeping back in. Not content with just feeling a bit better the pressure begins, I need to make use of myself and get back to work. “What am I going to do?” This phrase goes round and around my head in different forms. I suppose it stemmed from receiving a letter today from my employer for a meeting to discuss how I am doing and what my plans are. So I have to think, can I go back? Full time? Part time? Not at all?
And then the scary thoughts happen. Will I be ok if I go back? If not maybe I should apply for a new job. I’m not qualified to do anything else! I cannot apply for a new job who would employ me? It’s safe where I am in some ways as long as you change some things surely I’ll be ok. But will I? Maybe I should change but to what? What can I do? What will make me happy? What will make me feel like I’m contributing something to the world? I need to feel valuable.
Who would employ me now? I don’t want to not tell a new employer about my depression and anxiety but let’s be honest they will choose someone else given the choice! And I don’t want to work for someone that wouldn’t be ok with it. Why am I even thinking this I can’t apply for jobs, what would I do? I couldn’t actually fill out the form let alone go to an interview. I can’t even divide what I would apply for. Round and around it goes!
Fingers crossed for sleep, sorry Tim I think I’ll be grinding my teeth tonight! One step at a time, occupational health tomorrow and go from there. Sorry for the brain dump. Look after yourselves
From Lala, with love xx