So tomorrow is Monday and as always I have mixed feelings. Each Sunday evening I am reminded that I am not in work and my mind likes to remind me that I have failed at that aspect of my life. I have failed the image of a working mum. I have not been able to have a job, progress in it, and be the mum I think I should be. Each Sunday evening I am reminded as I pack my children’s things for school that William needs spare pants and trousers and wet wipes for his inevitable accidents. I have failed as a mum. I was unable to train my son to do the most natural of things. I then remember I have not read my sons reading book with him because I’ve been struggling to get him to do it or just have run out of the power to do so. Every Sunday evening I feel like I’m having to regroup to get through another week. I look at my schedule for the week and make lists, shopping lists, daily lists, job lists anything I can to order the week in my head.
Monday’s are the best and the worst day of the week. School runs, food shopping and swimming but also yoga! I do not think I could get past Monday if it wasn’t started with yoga. I hate that I cannot just ‘do’ the week without all the prep and organisation. And yet even with it I never feel like I have triumphed. I never feel like I have achieved anything or done well. Just getting through!This is my 2 weekly family planner. Laminated of course so using dry wipe markers I can keep track of where everyone is, plan meals and shopping etc. Sometimes this isn’t enough if my brain fog is particularly bad I have to write down exactly what’s it happening for me each day . Like this:This does help. My counsellor and I decided I would be much happier if I didn’t have to do things at certain times if I could just be free to be. But sometimes things do need to be done. So sometimes I have to make sure I have some time to just be.
It’s Monday now and I am sitting in a costa in debenhams because I have done the shopping and I have some time before yoga, writing this but also looking at a magazine and just being me. And do you know I am feeling good now I’m in a new place doing something I haven’t really done much and actually loving it. I feel so comfortable in my skin right now. A bit of time to ‘be’ before the day starts again!
My depression is still haunting me as That feeling of failure still looms large and I get hit my anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed strikes but my Confidence is growing my self esteem is building there is now at least hope! A bit of yoga will put me back on track for the rest of the week. Look after yourselves this week, make sure you make time to stop and ‘be’ there is time enough!
From Lala, with love xx